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Is it cool to CRUSH on a friend?
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Over a month ago - By Letty_Livingston
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This topic was spawned from another forum discussion. It so happens that a gentleman is looking for input on how he should deal with a friend that he likes. Yes, likes. Likes, like in wants to date, maybe we wants romance, or just wants her sexually. But it leads me to enquire if this is cool; in the context of Arthur Fonzarelli cool. Is it cool to crush on someone who considers you to be a friend?
Crushes… what are they – really? Crushes are wonderful -- as long as they remain crushes. A crush is magical like a soap bubble blown by a three-year old. It float, it swirls, it is fantastic because it is barely a part of our world and it does not comply with what our standard for matter is, for what is really real. It is not a solid or a liquid. It is not a gas. It is this enigmatic, ethereal energy that we create; something that our imaginations dream-up and apply to another person. That is ultimately important, imagination. As adults we tend not to draw with crayons, or pretend with paper dolls or toy soldiers. We lose our sense of magic, our ability to create otherworldly instances where we transport our self for a moment, and play. Well, an imagination is what determines our crush - as it really has absolutely nothing to do with the other person’s reality. We create a romanticized version of what that person is like. And we pretend that that person is what we imagine. That is what a crush is and must remain. Crushes are imaginary and once the boundary of crush is crossed the soap bubble bursts and things change. Crushes are not tangible. They are not based on reality. That is why we crush on the guy who teaches us Shakespeare or why guys crush on the woman who makes his coffee every morning. We know nothing about that person. We are allowed to create an imaginary persona for them and they become fodder for fantasy. However, once we try to turn the fantasy into reality we ruin the enigmatic power of the crush. We learn that the professor has drinking problems and rage issues, maybe he is happily married with children or that the lady at the coffee shop is a stalker and has issues with dependency and abandonment or she is a mom who loves her husband and kids. They both have terrible credit and have bad breath. BUT in our fantasy they had minty-fresh breath and their credit scores didn't matter. It was a fantasy! That is why we do not crush on our friends. We trust our friends to be honest with us. Not to make-believe, to pretend with who we are. They have intimate knowledge of our comings and goings and we trust them not to insert our realities into their fantasies. Or am I totally wrong? Have my years as an acclaimed advice columnist, dealing with the drama that the lovelorn pitch my way, jaded the way I see life? Is it okay to crush on our friends? Do you think that pretending about romance and desire with those that we trust to housesit and invite to our children’s birthday parties is all right? I’d like to know what the regular people and the experts here on FML think about this. Chime in folks. Happy Holidays LL help@letlettyhelp.com |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: mariahkvesich
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Hi Letty, I agree with much of what you said. However,its important that we remember that American conventional wisdom dicates that we should all be married to our best friend. Its hypocritical to want such a reality and not consider actually dating friends. As I've mentioned in a couple other forums, the person who wants to move the direction of the relationship should be honest, direct and somewhat casual about it. (No desparate "I know that we're soulmates" moments. Rather, something such as, "We have such a great friendship, perhaps we should see what it would be like to go out on a date.") If the suitor gets shut down and acts like its okay, then things shouldn't get weird. However,soulbearing and game-playing or trying to get the friend to identify fuzzy clues can be confusing and lead to the loss of the friendship and a lot of embarassment without ever giving a real relationship a shot.
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Over a month ago - Replied by: Letty_Livingston
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Hey M,
Happy Holidays mon ami! I don't want to mix our apples and bananas here. I never mentioned, nor do I want, dating to come into question on this post. This is strictly about crushes, and crushing on people. Crushes are fantastic, in both way, literally because they are based on fantasy, and ideologically because they [crushes] are reminders to us that we still have some childhood lurking under the adult skin we show to the world. Crushing on a celebrity who is always the romantic lead in box office hits or athletes who show endurance and strength that make a gal weak in the knees, or for the guy crushing on a starlet or TV actress who is smart, sexy and oh, so, not available, or a pop singer who whines and wales while she has designer clothes clinging to her in music videos - those are crushable prototypes. Crushes work because they never turn into reality. Crushing on friends is not cool because it crosses trust boundaries and is not really a crush because it is based on reality not fantasy. He likes he (or she him) for real tangible reasons. When the reasons are tangible it is not a crush it is an obsession. Lots Luv! LL |
| Look not on the thanks from them to whom you have been kind rather look to thank those who have been kind to you. | |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: mariahkvesich
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Hi Letty, I am very glad to hear this and I'd like to pick your mind a little. When is it a crush and when is it being interested in a perspective date? For example, you're good friends with your neighbor who gets a divorce. You decide you'd like to go out with him, but want to give him a little time to get used to the circumstances. I'd think that would be acting with disgression and would fall into the dating category. What do you think? What about the girl who flirts, flirts, flirts when she has a boyfriend, but when she's free she makes excuses about how now is not the time? Isn't she leading the guy on rather than him crushing? (Which would make it her bad, I would think.) How about when you're not supposed to date a co-worker and its a bad economy so you can't just quit to pursue a date. Is waiting for the right opportunity while maintaining an open line of communication crushing, obsessing or being patient?
It's so hard in this day and age for both men and women, Letty. Women have no safety net. Men have to be able to read minds. I think its great that we have men and women read our columns to help them make better choices. Especially the men since they are far less likely to look for help in this area. I'm glad we have your experience to help guide our group of participants. Mariah ;) |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: writtenin1981
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I take significant umbrage with the idea that a crush is always just fantasy, especially if it is a "crush" on a friend. Why is it not possible to know someone as your best friend, and know many intimate things about them and know how they are emotionally (both the good and the bad) or know them mentally (again, the good and the bad) or the spiritual side (good and bad) and yet still have significant feelings for them?
Friends fall in love all the time, and it is highly arrogant on the part of anyone to suggest in some fashion that a crush is always just some fleeting fantasy or that friendship can never spawn anything more than just friendship. Crushes are sometimes exactly that, and sometimes they end up being far more. That even applies to friends who begin looking at each other in a different way. To answer your question, I believe that you have become jaded and that you have a very negative outlook on people's love lives. If the crush goes away or you feel different after the topic is breached, then you move on and the friendship can survive. If the crush lasts and you start feeling more than just those fleeting fluttery feelings then it's time to re-examine your relationship with this person that you declare as just a friend. |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: Letty_Livingston
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Me thinketh that we are mincing words here. A crush is a fantasy only because, by definition, it is solely based upon nothing but appearance and hype.
If you fall for a friend due to the good, bad, and ugly you've come to learn about him or her through the relationship and friendship you've shared, then it is not a crush. Get it --NOT A CRUSH! They are feelings of love and intimacy. BIG, in fact, HUGE DIFFERENCE. The fact that a friend develops intimate feelings for a friend is not bad. Their not sharing this discovery and pretending not to desire the other and then use close-quarter contact for future masturbatory fodder is not good. It is wrong. That was my initial point when I opened this thread. Defining a crush and then being able to comprehend the difference between real feelings and a crush is what separates real hope at having a relationship from nonsensical fluttery stomach aberrations. If you know someone dearly and feel for them romantically, you should tell them and not hide it. Because it is not a crush, and hidden, it is creepy. Women should be able to trust that their male friends do not beat-off to thoughts of their thighs touching their male friend's in the movies. Sure, some men will always beat-off to thoughts of any woman they come in contact with (no pun intended) but if you have developed deep emotional feelings, let the other person in on it. Love, Not Jaded LL |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: ricodad
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I feel I JUST HAVE TO ADD THIS:
Even in the media we can find truths. I saw the following and figured I pour some fuel on this fire! http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/02/01/obama-girl-crush-on-president-faded-due-to-broken-promises/? icid=ma The infamous "Obama Girl" whose viral video "Crush on Obama" made her an Internet sensation during the 2008 presidential campaign says she no longer has a passionate crush on President Obama. Known to the world as "Obama Girl," Amber Lee Ettinger said in an interview on Fox News about Obama's first year as president: "Broken promises. People like -- talk is cheap; actions speak louder than words." Explaining to Fox's Sean Hannity the analogy between her crush on Obama and real life romance, she explained that "even with a relationship, you know, once people - your boyfriend, girlfriend doesn't do what they say they're going to do, you kick them to the curb." Like most crushes, "Obama Girl" realized that the reality of the man fell short of her fantasy. "I just don't have that big crush like I used to," she said, though conceding she's not given up entirely on her guy, grading him a B minus on a scale of A-F. I think that this blurb bolsters what Letty is trying to convey. Crushes are based on fantasy; therefore you cannot crush on a friend. It is different because you know intimate things about the person. You are falling in love with them, which is hugely different than a crush! RicoDad! |
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Over a month ago - Replied by: Letty_Livingston
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RD,
This is a perfect example of what I was trying to drive home. Crushes are based on fantasy and as soon as reality comes into play, in any way, shape, or form- the crush ends, bursting like a soap bubble. That is why you can't crush on your friend. Here is a situation I am dealing with in group therapy with a bunch of twenty-somethings. A man is crushing hard on a co-worker. He can't concentrate on his job and he is obsessing over her. Her speaks to her a bit at work, on breaks, but he really doesn't know her well enough to say he is falling for her. So, he is crushing on her, not falling for her. If he was a friend of hers and began to have feelings for her, then be would be falling for her, not crushing on her. We had a long talk about it in group. He is an obsessive and his life is a set of programmed rituals. His new obsession with this woman is unhealthy because the crush is interfering with his job performance. He needs to refocus his energy and attention on more productive things and has to stop trying to imagine scenarios that include this woman. He can also try the opposite, which would be - get to know her. Find out what her life is about and learn the reality of it. This will break the spell of the crush. He may find he dislikes her in real-life, or that he likes her, but it will no longer be a fantasy / crush. Got it?! LL |
| Look not on the thanks from them to whom you have been kind rather look to thank those who have been kind to you. | |
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