For me I could never reconcile after an affair, when and if a man cheats on me he's done, we're done. That's not acceptable to me under any circumstance.

ugh! I have the same questions! Can I ever forgive him? He says nothing happened. But I'm not stupid. They were just 'talkin' She was helping him to see things from my perspective. If you want my perspective ask me idiot!!! Now Im the bad guy to my kids cause I am mad at daddy. So not fair. He has asked for a divorce so many times and I always make it work out. Now this is just too much.

Hi CoolCat,
You use the word therapy often and it sounds as if it is 'your' therapy. Well, therapy is great for you and is also something that your kids would benefit from as would your relationship with your husband, whether you stay together with him as husband and wife or not. You do have a responsibility to remain a father and mother relationship, which the therapy as a couple could help you to grasp.

Your 7 and 4 year old should go to an art therapist and also join you and your husband in family therapy. Then you and your husband should go to couple's therapy along with going to individual therapy.

By focusing on finding remedies for the familial bond and ways to work through the trauma in a way that is good for the children and for you as adults, you take the pressure off of figuring out if you can forgive and be intimate with him again.

Use the therapeutic process to assist you and the family to function in any dynamic. Kids do not thrive when parents stay together for their [the kids] sake. The actually suffer later on in life, because their model for love and romance comes from two people who are not in love or romantic. Not good!

I know. I grew up in a home where we went through the therapeutic process as my parents were splitting up. Both of my parents went on to find people that they cherish and we learned about love, the good and bad of it with the help of therapists.

Good luck. Focus on the good in your life and the fact that this is the norm and you can get to great again very, very soon.

xo
RicoDad

As a divorced dad, all I can say is your kids will begin to heal when you and your ex end the war of words and emotions. Hard as it may be, the solution is for the two of you to be civil and put the past in the past. You do not heal by continuing to bicker or hate. If reconcilliation isn't in the cards, just accept him (fully!) as their dad and move on with your life. They will still have a loving relationship with him if you guys allow it to happen.

My son and daughter were just a year older than your kids when we separated. They too were devastated at first. But with a lot of patience, understanding, and yes - a very good therapist - they are both thriving now. They have transitioned into the routine of a two home lifestyle and are bonded to both parents. We work at it - ocassionally having dinners together (mom, dad and kids) and socializing at school and sports events. My ex and I are able to connect on a friendly level from when times were good between us. We speak well of each other and don't make the kids feel they have to choose. It's not always perfect, but then nuclear families aren't either.

The key is acceptance. If you make it normal and ok to be a two home family, they will accept it as normal and ok too.

I think that Kevin puts a good perspective on the situation; as a man who walked in your shoes, as far as the age of the kids goes, but he does not say if the reason for the break-up was the same. I think that [the pain of the breaking-up] has much to do with the cheating. The fact that such a blatant disrespect was put forth there needs to be remedies that help to assuage the feelings that came with the ferocious pain from the affair.

Some people do get through an exposed affair. It depends on the couple's needs, goals and upbringing. Do I think it is possible to bring a couple back together after an affair? Yes, definitely. Do I think that all couples can come back together after an affair is exposed? No, I do not. Not every person, or couple, is the type that can live and love someone who has betrayed their trust to such a dire degree.

The kids are a main goal to keep in mind, however, your our sense of right and wrong and self-respect are also pertinent. You may discover, through working with your therapist, that you are the type who can learn to get over (past) the affair. If you do you - may be able to reconcile successfully. If not, then you can certainly get to a place similar to what Kevin some eloquently described.

Let us know how it goes!
Lotsa Luv
LL

It is hard but I think it possible. But you need to make sure that you are already over him/not holding any grudge before you do it. Or else, the reconciliation is useless. Moreover, talking to a qualified marriage counselor is a good way of getting your thoughts in order, and getting some feedback on your situation from an intelligent, interested individual.