My Turn, Your Turn

DAILY CHALLENGE Sara and John have two children under five years old. Sara and John are very supportive of each other, consistently encouraging each other to take personal time on evenings and weekends to spend time with friends, exercise, and maintain their the independence they had before children. However, as a result, Sara and John have stopped having fun together, exchanging couple time for time alone and relying on a “my turn, your turn” paradigm that leaves little chance for them to spend quality alone time together. How can they get back to the type of couple relationship they had before the children came along? Tags: love, disconnected, too busy, co-dependence, parenting, date night, family time, alone time

BY

LARelationshipCoach

DAILY FIX

Sara and John can remedy this situation by following four steps:

1. Begin to track how much time they are spending apart, and how much time they are spending together. Once Sara and John write down how often they are taking turns caring for the children, they can see why it “feels” like they never spend time together. Ultimately, they can identify what must change so that they have an interdependent relationship that doesn’t negatively impact their relationship as well as their children. While it is important for both Sara and John to engage in activities with friends and exercise, it is counter-productive if they neglect each other and do not allow for important family time.
2. Make a list of non-negotiable activities for each partner, and then a list of which activities she or he is willing to occasionally give up. For example, if John has a men’s group on the first Wednesday of the month that he doesn't want to miss, he can skip his pick-up basketball game that week to make up for the lost family time. In addition, Sara and John should then create a minimum of one non-negotiable family activity per week that will also become a reoccurring event. Creating consistent family time is critical to the development and security of the children, as well as providing the family with an opportunity to create rituals and build life-long memories.
3. Create a weekly schedule that includes 1 or 2 of the non-negotiable activities per week. Once Sara and John have decided what events are reoccurring each week -- identifying those which are must-do’s and those that are occasional, negotiable activities -- they can build a monthly calendar. Using technology such as MS Outlook or Google Calendar, they can share their calendars and begin to become conscious of how they are spending their time, both together, apart and with the children.
4. Once the activities calendar is set, John and Sara can establish non-negotiable weekly “date time.” If Sara had to eliminate a night with her book club or John had to cut down on his time at the gym,  their date time can include activities like this that they used to do separately. By thinking of activities to do during “date time”  besides the “movie and dinner” rut that many couples fall into, John and Sara can ensure they are keeping the spark in their marriage alive, making sure their individual needs are met and that both their relationship and family get the time and attention they deserve.

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Comments

Viewing 1 - 2 out of 2 Comments ricodad Jan 21, 2010 02:44 PM I SOOOO agree with the date night. We went through a similar thing. We were all about raising the kids and making sure that they were busy all the time and we stopped being romantic as a result. We get frustrated in numerous ways and decided on taking time for date nights. We go every other week. We have dessert after dinner alone once or twice a week. Eating sweets at home together, alone, is great. Our date nights are getting better and better. We went Samba dancing last weekend. We sweated and ended the night in each other's arms, just like way back when, before the kids came alone. Good Advice LARC RicoDad. mariahkvesich Jan 18, 2010 12:39 PM John and Sara maybe trying to pack too much into their lives. Independence is great. Couples time is necessary. However, if they didn't want things to change, they shouldn't have changed things! Part of living a content life is accepting that you sometimes, you need to pace yourself. Prioritize, eliminate and remember that these children are going to be grown and gone before you know it.