I CANNOT DO THE MIDDLE

I am neither in the beginning or end and no middle in sight. I consider
my self not in the end, because it has been more than three months.
Last Thanksgiving i was in a relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment)in the beginning stage. I cooked for his family and kids,
when you are in the beginning you do a lot of things to impress. You
really don’t want to do these things i often ask myself why. Just be
for real you are at the end of the relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment).I definitely did not do the middle in this
relationship( a romantic or passionate attachment).It was a long
relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment)he never wanted me in
the middle.He wanted me at the beginning pleasing him. That’s why i was
surprised when the end came he was so upset.

 This  man had a lot of
relationships (the state of being related) that required his attention
constantly. He could do the middle with all these relationships(the
state of being related). Loyal,trusting,caring,there for them i was not
jealous just go bored. He was a sponge (a person requiring all the
attention)and i heard constantly about his relationships( a state of
being related).So this year i am not in a relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment)

After visiting home for the holidays i understand why i don’t know,
or cannot find the middle. Spent several days with people who think i
am in need of a middle or a beginning. After the time with them i
neither want or need either. Becky(my sister) who is so caught up in
what should be instead of what is. The first one to cast judgment on my
free living life style(no man).It amazes  me if only you could step
outside of your life and see what others see. What would she see  been
married once forever (16yrs.)same man. He ain’t no prize he is a good
man for her. He was a drunk for several years and she did not even
know. He had a mistress all there married
life and she did not know or did not choose to know. She only had one
relationship ( a romantic or passionate attachment) with Joe her (16
yr.) husband. So what does she know about relationships(a romantic or
passionate attachment). That would make her life as messed up as she
thinks mine is. After being married twice and still  not in the
beginning or end, don’t know where the middle is. She feels like i need
to have stayed in this last relationship(a romantic or passionate).
Saw the previous husbands that she feels i should have stayed with and
it surprises me  he still mad at me. This is a man that the phrase
Mama’s Boy was created for. This man was raised by a single mom don’
get me wrong the President Elect was raised by a single mom.That does
not make you a weak man. 

Leon was always to dam needy and negative. should have been his middle name. Everything
had to be discuss to death that is everything about him. He is and was
the most self-centered individual i ever meet. He would talk non stop
about the same thing over and over again. This man would meet you and
in the next ten seconds you would know his life story. The most
ignoring thing he licked his finger while eating even in restaurants. I
would sit there watching him groom himself like a cat. Or a big lion
thinking why don’t you just use the napkin.I  would get brain freeze
(that’s when you zone out to what is being said  and listen to the
surrounding). I feel he was a Mama’s Boy because he wanted everything
done for him. He thought that my purpose after he honored me with being
his wife was to cook,clean,give him all my money and listen to that
boring ass @#^!@ he talked. Actually both my husbands were Mama Boys. I
pick the same kind of men. Leon was the one i wanted to built the  wall
with. He was still in the middle of his last relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment) when i met him. This man took me out for dinner on our first date.Spent
the evening talking about his first wife. He was fresh out of the
middle, in the end wanting to get back to the beginning.We went to
Olive Garden a nice restaurant Italian i was impressed. He started
right off talking about the X and continued the next fourteen
years.I knew more about this woman than i ever should or would want to
know. He would always say at the beginning of every story oh you are
not going to believe this. I could not believe he was on a date with
one woman talking non stop about another one. But after we left the
restaurant we went to his house and in the car on the way he talked
about her. Got to his house,put in a movie there were things in the
movie that reminded him of her. I called it a night went home in shock.
This was my first divorce so what i know, maybe this was normal. I
thought he needed to vent about the relationship(a romantic or
passionate relationship). He called a few days later wanted to know  if i would like to see a movie. I was lonely and probably rebounding from my marriage
i said yes. We went to the movie i cannot remember the name of the
movie. He picked me up and started immediately talking about the X. He
acted like it was a soap opera the next episode. Today i listen to the
young years he was ten years older than her. He had two children with
her, but i get the feeling he thought he was raising three. They were
always getting evicted from there house, because he traveled and she
neglected to pay the rent. After telling me this happen several times i
wondered why he just did not handle the bills. I then realized he was a
drama queen he needed drama in his life. Oh you are not going
to believe this will continue later. Read you later 
Leon called me week later after our second date. He traveled alot for work and we had not  

decided if he could call me while out of town. I was sitting home on a
Saturday and he called to just say hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater. I
was lonely and a little unsure i could get a man  interested  in me
again. All my relationships( a romantic or passionate attachment )in
the past i had been such a door mat just to have a man. I would see the
relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment)was not good,but
continued thinking i could fix it. When i first saw him he was dressed
nicely and he wore a full beard salt and pepper. He was the same age as
me premature graying. He looked very handsome, we greeted  and decided
what movie we would see. I started the conversation hoping to
monopolize the conversation to avoid the talk of the X. He kept getting
all these blank looks(brain freeze) the conversation w hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater.  I was lonely and a little unsure i could get a
man  interested  in me again. All my relationships( a romantic or
passionate attachment )in the past i had been such a door mat just to
have a man. I would see the relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment)was not good,but continued thinking i could fix it. When i
first saw him he was dressed nicely and he wore a full beard salt and
pepper. He was the same age as me premature graying. He looked very
handsome, we greeted  and decided what movie we would see. I started
the conversation hoping to monopolize the conversation to avoid the
talk of the X. He kept getting all these blank looks(brain freeze) the
conversation was not about him. Finally he busted in with let me tell
you April (the X) called me while i was on the road.Oh well i had a few
hours without reliving the past. She wanted me to send her some money i
just paid my child support.She is getting evicted again i don’t know
what she does with that money. She lost her job again let me tell
you she is never on time for work. When

decided if he could call me while out of town. I was sitting home on a
Saturday and he called to just say hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater. I
was lonely and a little unsure i could get a man  interested  in me
again. All my relationships( a romantic or passionate attachment )in
the past i had been such a door mat just to have a man. I would see the
relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment)was not good,but
continued thinking i could fix it. When i first saw him he was dressed
nicely and he wore a full beard salt and pepper. He was the same age as
me premature graying. He looked very handsome, we greeted  and decided
what movie we would see. I started the conversation hoping to
monopolize the conversation to avoid the talk of the X. He kept getting
all these blank looks(brain freeze) the conversation w hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater.  I was lonely and a little unsure i could get a
man  interested  in me again. All my relationships( a romantic or
passionate attachment )in the past i had been such a door mat just to
have a man. I would see the relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment)was not good,but continued thinking i could fix it. When i
first saw him he was dressed nicely and he wore a full beard salt and
pepper. He was the same age as me premature graying. He looked very
handsome, we greeted  and decided what movie we would see. I started
the conversation hoping to monopolize the conversation to avoid the
talk of the X. He kept getting all these blank looks(brain freeze) the
conversation was not about him. Finally he busted in with let me tell
you April (the X) called me while i was on the road.Oh well i had a few
hours without reliving the past. She wanted me to send her some money i
just paid my child support.She is getting evicted again i don’t know
what she does with that money. She lost her job again let me tell
you she is never on time for work. When 

decided if he could call me while out of town. I was sitting home on a
Saturday and he called to just say hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater. I
was lonely and a little unsure i could get a man  interested  in me
again. All my relationships( a romantic or passionate attachment )in
the past i had been such a door mat just to have a man. I would see the
relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment)was not good,but
continued thinking i could fix it. When i first saw him he was dressed
nicely and he wore a full beard salt and pepper. He was the same age as
me premature graying. He looked very handsome, we greeted  and decided
what movie we would see. I started the conversation hoping to
monopolize the conversation to avoid the talk of the X. He kept getting
all these blank looks(brain freeze) the conversation w hi and he would like to see me
again. I really didn’t want to go out with this man. But i was fresh
out of a marriage of little are no attention. So the woman who needed
attention said yes to another date. This man was not even my type he
was very thick and muscular and made these jokes that were not funny.We
agreed to go to a movie on Sunday and we would meet at the theater.  I was lonely and a little unsure i could get a
man  interested  in me again. All my relationships( a romantic or
passionate attachment )in the past i had been such a door mat just to
have a man. I would see the relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment)was not good,but continued thinking i could fix it. When i
first saw him he was dressed nicely and he wore a full beard salt and
pepper. He was the same age as me premature graying. He looked very
handsome, we greeted  and decided what movie we would see. I started
the conversation hoping to monopolize the conversation to avoid the
talk of the X. He kept getting all these blank looks(brain freeze) the
conversation was not about him. Finally he busted in with let me tell
you April (the X) called me while i was on the road.Oh well i had a few
hours without reliving the past. She wanted me to send her some money i
just paid my child support.She is getting evicted again i don’t know
what she does with that money. She lost her job again let me tell
you she is never on time for work. When  with that money. She lost her job again let me tell you she is never on
time for work. When we were married she held a job every six months.
She is a very social person she spends most of her time talking. I had
to go out of my way to drop off her some money. She is moving again
and need for me to help her on my day off. Let me tell you she would
have had it made if she would have stayed married to me and not listen
to those so called girl friends of hers.When i got home from being gone
two to three weeks there were always a house full of them. I would walk
in and they would want to tell me what to do until i told them to get
the hell out.Then she would get made at me i sit there( after the movie
we went for a drink) agreeing to what he said and stroking his ego.I
did a lot of that in this relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment).This was our third date i neglected to tell you i had dated
this man in High School.

As i wrote in the last entry i dated Leon in high school.I really
did not remember this until he reminded me. I was embarrassed i did not
 remember him i wondered about our relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment) then.Searched my mind to find some recall of him
found nothing. He remembered every thing even said we had a close
 relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment).After looking at the
school annual i found his picture kinda cute. He was a football
player. I had dated him a couple of times i wondered how well he knew
my body of course it has changed since then. I ran into him once in the
mall with his family. read you later  

New happening this week a return of an old flame. James my first in
everything sex,love , obsession  relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment). The word passionate is underrated in this relationship( a
romantic or passionate attachment). James was a little older than me i
was ninetieth fresh out of high school headed for junior college. He
was very experienced i had none still a virgin. James was introduced to
me by a girl friend he sang in her choir. He could sing the devil out 
of you and that smile wide open mouth full of teeth. I thought this 
man was a bible carrying christian that would not lead me astray. I
dated him for several months before i realized that was a front. The
first time i realized that he was not what he claimed to be was on our
church  revival. We had been to church all day and he wanted me meet
his sister  later at her house. So we drove over to a town near the
church we were to sing. While waiting we watched television and while
sitting on the couch he

As i wrote in the last entry i dated Leon in high school.I really
did not remember this until he reminded me. I was embarrassed i did not
 remember him i wondered about our relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment) then.Searched my mind to find some recall of him
found nothing. He remembered every thing even said we had a close
 relationship(a romantic or passionate attachment).After looking at the
school annual i found his picture kinda cute. He was a football
player. I had dated him a couple of times i wondered how well he knew
my body of course it has changed since then. I ran into him once in the
mall with his family. read you later  

New happening this week a return of an old flame. James my first in
everything sex,love , obsession  relationship(a romantic or passionate
attachment). The word passionate is underrated in this relationship( a
romantic or passionate attachment). James was a little older than me i
was ninetieth fresh out of high school headed for junior college. He
was very experienced i had none still a virgin. James was introduced to
me by a girl friend he sang in her choir. He could sing the devil out 
of you and that smile wide open mouth full of teeth. I thought this 
man was a bible carrying christian that would not lead me astray. I
dated him for several months before i realized that was a front. The
first time i realized that he was not what he claimed to be was on our
church  revival. We had been to church all day and he wanted me meet
his sister  later at her house. So we drove over to a town near the
church we were to sing. While waiting we watched television and while sitting
on the couch he kissed me. That was a long deep tongue thrusting kiss
my first my panties immediately became wet soaking. I thought i had
exploded from the inside out. I pushed away cause that what good girls
do. Except for Kathy my best friend
at the time she went head on. Kathy claimed to be very experienced and
was a big tease. So James backed off i now realize that was part of the
overall plan. His sister came and we visited with her and ate. On the
ride back i thought about the kiss and the feeling i felt being a
virgin i mean i been kissed before not like that. Never felt those
feeling before i am not sure every again. James was a what some people
call a sweet talker very personable. James called me several days later
and asked if he could come by and see me. At the time i was living with
two other cousins. So he dropped by and read this now they both thought
i was the luckiest girl alive. James was attentive and i always felt
special and took care of. For a young girl that was major if i knew
what i know now i would have been riding that horse every chance i got.
Flash i think sex is very important in any relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment ). It’s how you renew your physical bond at the
end or beginning of your day. When you have a bond and remind you
everyone do not have a bond in there relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment).A bond cannot be we were to sing. While waiting we watched television and while sitting
on the couch he kissed me. That was a long deep tongue thrusting kiss
my first my panties immediately became wet soaking. I thought i had
exploded from the inside out. I pushed away cause that what good girls
do. Except for Kathy my best friend
at the time she went head on. Kathy claimed to be very experienced and
was a big tease. So James backed off i now realize that was part of the
overall plan. His sister came and we visited with her and ate. On the
ride back i thought about the kiss and the feeling i felt being a
virgin i mean i been kissed before not like that. Never felt those
feeling before i am not sure every again. James was a what some people
call a sweet talker very personable. James called me several days later
and asked if he could come by and see me. At the time i was living with
two other cousins. So he dropped by and read this now they both thought
i was the luckiest girl alive. James was attentive and i always felt
special and took care of. For a young girl that was major if i knew
what i know now i would have been riding that horse every chance i got.
Flash i think sex is very important in any relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment ). It’s how you renew your physical bond at the
end or beginning of your day. When you have a bond and remind you
everyone do not have a bond in there relationship(a romantic or
passionate attachment).