Making a better marriage

In August, my husband and I celebrate our 11 year wedding anniversary.  We’ve been through a lot the past decade: sickness, death, stress, job loss, debt, fighting for our disabled children.

The funny thing is all that stuff doesn’t stress our marriage.  We both work full time and our kids are little so what puts a strain on our relationship are the day to day things: end of day exhaustion, deciding who’ll cook, who’s turn it is to take out the garbage, the position of the toilet seat, etc.

Once you get started in a fight about the small stuff, it can easily roll into a big fight about all your spouse’s flaws.  If there is one tough thing I’ve learned over the years, though, it’s that you can’t change your partner, not one bit.

This is a hard truth to swallow.  As time goes on, some of the very things that endeared you to your spouse can make you crazy.  If I tell my husband about his flaws, he asks why I married him. It’s not like he woke up one day and became someone else.  And it’s not like I don’t have flaws that drive him crazy either.

So, if you can’t change your partner and you want a better marriage, what can you do?  There’s only one thing: change yourself.

I know it’s difficult and maybe it’s not the solution you wanted, but I’ve discovered it’s the only option.  I stopped focusing on my husband’s flaws and started celebrating his strengths.  And things got better.

If you’ve grown accustomed to grumbling about your partner, this won’t come easy.  In fact, the first thing you’ll notice is more of what he or she is doing wrong: the improperly rolled toothpaste, the clothes on the floor.  When that happens, think of one good thing your partner has done for you.  This can be another tough assignment and sometimes you have think about the mundane things that we take for granted. Does your partner have a job?  Does she stay home with the kids? Does he pay the bills?  All that counts because there are people who have partners that won’t do any of those things.

Challenge: Think of the everyday things your spouse does to be your partner in your marriage. Share it here!