Moving on – How to Recover from a Breakup

Author: FixMyLove Staff Writer

With the pain of breakup still fresh, how to you pick yourself up and move on?

They say that breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes the hard part comes just after that: moving on. With the pain of a breakup also comes the chance for a new life. Here are five tips to help guide you through a breakup or divorce, to the new you waiting on the other side.

1. It’s not your fault.

Not to imply everything you did in the relationship was perfect and the other party screwed it all up, because that’s never the case. But some couples may not be destined for a successful relationship and once you determine that there is no hope of resolution, the best thing to do is get out. And more relationship advice: once you’re out, it’s the beginning of the rest of your life!

2. Mourn before moving on.

Loss of a relationship is a sort of death, even if you broke it off or instigated the breakup or divorce. Yes, with every death comes a rebirth, and so it is after breakup or after divorce. But before moving onto the rebirth, take time to mourn the loss of this relationship. No matter how happy you are to be out of it, there are always losses and it’s healthy to take some time to acknowledge them. The relationship advice rule of thumb is that moving on takes half as long as the duration of the relationship… the flaw in this breakup advice is that many times, parties are already moving on while the relationship is still technically intact! It’s not a mandate to release yourself to sadness but don’t ignore it if it’s there or it will not heal. Succumb to it for awhile and then dust yourself off and start moving on.

3. It’s all about you now.

When you’re in a relationship, everything is decided based on the collective, the “we”. Even selecting where to go for dinner is a decision based on frequent compromise. Everything is open to discussion and sometimes, arguments. Even what to watch on television often had to be debated! Now, everything you do is all about you. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want. You’ve regained control of the remote. The bed’s all yours, with no one moving around, stealing the covers, snoring. (Well, unless your dog’s no picnic at night.) One beer left in the fridge? It’ll be there when you get home. Did you just wash the dishes? They’ll stay clean until you dirty them. Like your feet up on the table as you watch tv? Put them up, kick back, relax, it’s your place, it’s your life. It starts now.

4. This is your chance to become a better you.

Relationships often trap people in habits, in old versions of themselves that they may have outgrown but the message hadn’t translated into action just yet. People get stuck in patterns, forgetting to reevaluate themselves, re-assessing what they’re really like. Change is difficult and slow when in a marriage or relationship; what the other party thinks is important and it can stifle personal growth.
Once free of a relationship, it can be time to eat better, jog more often, catch up on some reading, get in touch with old friends, do that spring cleaning, quit smoking, cut back on caffeine. Without thinking about who you’ve been, think about who you want to be. It’s time to be that person, it’s time to make the changes and go that direction! When you become a better you, you’ll call out to a better significant other. You’ll be sexier and more self confident and you’ll attract people that are sexier and more self confident!

5. Assess what you’ve learned to avoid those pitfalls next time.

What went wrong in that relationship? What are your relationship patterns? What is your “type” and why is this good or bad for you? Every relationship that ended is full of potential lessons for next time, but they stay as “potential” if they’re unexamined and untapped. It is a painful procedure to examine patterns and notice destructive behavior but it’s the first step toward preventing it in future relationships. Take a “relationship timeout” while you sort out what went wrong and what went right. The more successful you are with this step, the more successful your next relationship will be. Talk to friends and family, whomever you’re comfortable with that can be very honest with you in their relationship advice, and see what they thought of the person you were with. Ask what they thought of your past relationships. Sometimes trends emerge that are not always evident from within and a friend may be more aware of your patterns than you are! (Don’t feel bad… you probably know your friends’ patterns more than they do!)
Being outside of a relationship doesn’t have to be terrifying, it can be very liberating. You’ll be a new you in which anything is possible. This truly is the beginning of the rest of your life! So be sure to look both ways before crossing because things just got good.