Choosing a Custody Schedule: What's best for YOUR kids?

How to plan a schedule that works for everyone in your two homes

I have three daughters, one tween, one full-fledged teen, and a seven-year-old I still refer to as “the baby,” despite the fact that her feet knock against my ankles when I carry her up the stairs. As I have been divorced 5 years, we have all become quite accustomed to the simplistic 50-50 custody schedule I co-created with my ex-husband when the children were much younger. This co-parenting schedule, which provides for 2-days on/3-days off and alternating weekends ensures:

• the children spend an equal time with mom and dad.


• both parents become responsible for school-related events, homework and tasks like making lunches, helping with projects and carpools.


• both parents have opportunities for weekends away with children to vacation or visit friends and family.


• each parent has opportunities to attend school-related evening programs such as Open House, Back to School Night, or Math Night.


• there are opportunities for each parent to use time “off” to take 1-1 time with individual children.

In addition to the equal division of tasks, this schedule ensures that children have a routine, something that is critical to ensuring the stability and happiness for children of all ages. Moreover, because my ex-husband and I consistently put the needs of the children first, we chose to accept some flexibility within the schedule.

For example, when dad had an important business meeting on a night scheduled to be at his house, mom could take the children for the one night and adjust the schedule accordingly. This spirit of cooperation shows the children that while their parents are divorced, the family still operates as a successful unit based on cooperation and mutual respect.

Despite the success of this simplistic, predictable schedule, maintaining the schedule has become more challenging. Not only are there more mandatory school events, sports, after school activities, and play-dates to coordinate, my children have become older and require that more “stuff” be transported back and forth between homes. Those necessities such as blankets and stuffed animals which were was once easily tucked into a backpack have grown, morphing into laptop computers, tote-sized makeup bags, straightening irons, gym bags, PE uniforms, paint supplies for art classes, favorite dresses and best-fitting jeans. Of course, blankets and stuffed animals must also still be transported. Thus, a backpack has been replaced by a suitcase.

As a result, my children have asked that we modify the schedule to reduce the number of times each week they must transport their belongs to and fro between their two homes. In an effort to meet their needs, as well as the needs of two working parents, my ex-husband and I have explored different options including alternating Monday-Thursday on, 3-day weekend off. This however, has its challenges also in that alternating weekends becomes nearly impossible. We have overcome this challenge by each taking the children for day-long events on one of the “off” weekends. In addition, we attempted to “visit” each night or arrange for school pick up to ensure that there was time spent with the kids almost daily, despite the fact that they were spending an entire week with one parent exclusively.

I preferred the original schedule, though, as I felt too disconnected from them during the entire school week they spent at their dad’s home. Nevertheless, I understand their need to have a “home base” during the week. To help meet both the needs of the children and the parents, we are now working to help create a more efficient “transport” system to make moving between houses less harried. This system includes:

1. developing a check-list for each child, laminated, for both children and parents to use make sure all items are taken back and forth each time;


2. assessing which products or items can feasibly be purchased for both homes;


3. creating time to review calendars with the children to ensure that all materials for athletics, classes and play-dates are included in the travelling suitcase;

What is most important, however, is for parents to recognize that as children grow and change, they must also be open to constant review of the custody schedule. In addition, understanding your children’s developmental needs at each phase is tantamount to making sure that you work WITH your children to create a system that meets the needs of your unique family system.